"She'll be out tomorrow"

Friday, October 5, 2007

That's what we were told today - again - they may mean it this time. She has a UTI but is being given antibiotics for that - not a serious thing, except that we get to add a pediatric urologist to her doctor roster. Her fever is gone, and her lungs are clear. She's still very drowsy and lathargic and hasn't quite been weaned back off of the increased oxygen they initially gave her in the ER.

Today was an "it's too hard" day. I keep attempting to write what I feel and then I delete it because once it's on the screen it looks trite and I don't want pity - I just want to tell the truth. Because this hospitalization has been awful. There's no other way to say it.

Today, for instance, a test for her bladder involved the nurse putting in a catheter while I had to hold her legs down and she screamed in pain and kept going through diaper after diaper during the insertion. Or the diagnotics staff that poke her 3 times to find her veins each time they have to take blood samples. Unfortunately, this torture is only the tip of the iceberg.

There's the constant interruptions by nurses and other staff (including a nurse "asking" to show her students Caroline's g-tube because they've never seen one in person - like she's some kind of wierd oddity - just when Caro has finally drifted off to sleep), alarms perpetualy beeping adding quiet stress to each moment, and, the most bleak, listening to the crying and scared children in the other rooms. When I hear them, I remember what I keep trying to ignore - that she's going to have to be in and out of hospitals her whole life - the place where the negative parts of having a child with special-needs - the worry, the fear, and the isolation - are abundantly accentuated.

So, that stress peaked today. But, as I'm writing this now, I remember two points. First, I remember gratitude - for my husband, for our families, for our spiritual and financial stability, for the simple fact that Caroline is with us at all. Second, I remember to live one day at a time, that I can do one day. I can't do my whole life, but I can do one day.


  1. Erica, I am do sorry you have had an awful week. And I am sure Caroline hasn't enjoyed it much either. This experience will make you a much stronger person for others to draw inspiration from (Not what you want to hear right now I'm sure). I had cancer when I was a child and to hear the stories of what my parents went through is humbling for me as a mom. It is so hard to see your child suffer! I hope this coming week has more bright days for you. When life settles for you Nate and I would really enjoy getting together with you, sorry I did not get back to you a couple of weeks ago about dinner! Nate was in and out of town and I dropped the ball in getting back to you. Hang in there. You are an awesome mom!

  2. I don't know what to say, other than that you, and how you are dealing with all of this, are really inspiring.

  3. I appreciate your honesty. I sit here emotional for several reasons but mostly because I feel strength. Your strngth but I needed it. I love your words, your feelings that come through the screen and the love you share with Bryce and your Caro. I get bogged down with the little things and today, I am grateful. Grateful to be alive, to have hope, faith and my blessings. Thank you for sharing. My prayers and love are there in LV.


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